I Just Need One Big Hug

Pagod na ako. 

      Found myself uttering these words for the past few days (if not weeks), and finally telling my parents about it. 

     Work's been stressing me out too much. Oh, to remind my future self, I have two jobs. One that's regular the other one's part-time. The first of which I consider something that I do simply because it pays the dues and the latter because out of sheer love and passion. 

      So, yes, I came to my breaking point last Tuesday. Told my parents that I wanted-no, scratch that- I WILL skip work just because. The next thing I knew, I found myself crying my hearts out in front of my parents. So yes, for the first time, I felt that liberty of saying "no" to responsibilities. 

     Sent a message to my boyfriend that Tuesday afternoon and told him how much I wished he was just nearby. I guess I made him worried. But I had to tell him. He was after all, the best person to talk about this anyway. Told him I skipped work and he initially thought that I got sick, that my body finally gave up. Good thing he was not slow, haha! He knew that I was sick... emotionally. He knew how much I was already hurting from all these crap so he asked me what the plan was. The ironic thing is that he's the younger one but it seems otherwise. He made me realize that maybe, just maybe it was me after all. That it was my fears and worries that's eating me alive. 

     So, yes, I AM STILL NOT OKAY. Still under all these crap. But I guess, I have to be a little more patient. 

    And yes, I still need that one big, real tight hug from you Vic. 

15 Thank Yous

1. ...for respecting my silence.
     That there would be days that I would just want to curl up and read a book for unexplainable reasons.

2. ...for calling out on me.
      That venting out to another person about us is not the proper way to solve issues.

3. ...for teaching me to communicate better
      That despite the letters written, it would still be better to hear it out loud personally.

4. ...for loving my walls
       That I'm still that guarded, young lady that's still working on learning to not be boxed by everybody's expectations of her.

5. ...for knowing the right things to say (or not to say).
       That "thank you" is a better way of saying "I love you".

6. ...for being proud of me.
       That pictures and stories about me would tell your friends who I am in your life.

7. ...for listening.
       That most of the time, I'll do all the talking, failing to ask about yours.

8. ...for being honest.
       That you are not the knight in shining armor, nor my dream guy, but you are that guy, bruised, scarred and imperfect as you are, willing enough to share your scars with me.

9. ...for challenging me.
       That life is always about choices and not limited to the place that I am familiar to.

10. ...for accepting the child in me.
        That I get scared at the mere sound of fireworks.

11. ...for treating me as an adult, as well.
         That I can make my own decisions, yet being there if I fall down.

12. ...for choosing me.
         That despite all my insecurities, issues, overthinking, and "what-ifs", you are still staying.

13. ...for supporting my passion.
         That I may want to touch as much lives as I could.

14. ...for the littlest things.
         That knowing about my favorite color, my childhood nickname, Sundates with Him mean a lot for me.

And last but definitely not the least,

15. ...for being home.
        That at the end of the day,
         no matter the distance, winding road,
         new goals, failed dreams, successes, heartbreaks,
         I would still choose to go home to you.

For D.

D,

Hi,

Let me begin this by saying: Believe me, I've been meaning to write about you.

And believe me when I say this, my love, will all truth and honesty,

I've been meaning to write about you... about me... about us...

I've been meaning to describe...
how your eyes turn to stars every time you greeted anyone,
how your voice is like the sweet chirp of the birds in the sky,
how your smile is my rainbow to a dark, gloomy day.

I've been meaning to write about...
the butterflies I feel each and every time,
the loss of words I have each time you are in front,
the way you make me want to check myself on every mirror in the road.

*riiiip* *riiiiiip* *riiiiip*

Hey,

remember when I told you how passionate I am of writing?
That I would gladly spend my whole life just writing and writing and writing?

But my love, the writer in me is failing.

My words are not enough to explain...
how grateful I am for you,
how much happier I have become because of you,
how scared I am of losing you,
how afraid I am that I am not a girl worthy of you.

The writer in me is failing. I have only mustered the courage now to write these things about you. But still, words won't suffice enough.

Maybe, I don't want to, rather, I choose not to write about you because I wouldn't want you to be immortalized in an inspiration that is fleeting.

Because you are not that.

You are not a one-day inspiration.
You cannot be immortalized in words, because words won't give you the proper justice.

So forgive me, my love.

I don't want to write about you like the way I wrote about...
the guy that I thought of to be my first love,
the guy who was my first love,
the friend turned lover who broke my heart.

Because I would rather choose to write to you...
about the most ordinary days,
about how bad a day or week has been for me,
about my new dreams, goals, and trips I want to make,
about the way my heart breaks for every dream shattered.

Because you are that guy for me.

You are the inspiration, not a spur-of-the-moment idea.
You are not a memory that I would want to be caged in ink of words, because I want you to be with me in that memory.



So forgive me, my love, if these are the only words I can write to you:

I choose you, everyday. I love you.

C.

Twenty Sixteen

It's been three weeks into 2016 and I've only started blogging again. Will be writing this in bullets (again! haha!), since my mind's on a high right now.

• Demo's coming up pretty soon. I'll be having it on the 21st of February. I am honestly more excited than nervous about it. I really don't know why. 
• I'll be turning 25 in (officially) 8 days. I really don't know how to feel exactly. Torn between the feeling of a)So what, I'm still young, and b) I'm ALREADY 25. haha!
• Valentine's day. haha. 
• Must get my life back on track. Must start following my dreams. Must start making things right.

Well, that's about it. Better catch some snooze since I still have class in a few hours. :)